Who’s the toughest person you know in your life? Think about that for a second. Of all your family members, friends, colleagues, and anyone else you have gotten to know, who is the toughest one?
Once you have your person, think about what metrics you used to judge their toughness. Are they hard-working and persevering? Are they physically strong and individualistic? Do they exude confidence? Can they push through the pain? Whether consciously or not, I think many of us asked these questions when finding our tough person because this is what society defines toughness as. In Do Hard Things, Magness proposes that this definition of toughness is not only incorrect but also actively harmful.
Although the traits associated with conventional toughness are undoubtedly positive, when these traits are pursued as the end goal rather than being a side effect of “true toughness”, we end up projecting an unsustainable facade of ourselves in the name of toughness, developed through fear and driven by insecurity.
So what is “true toughness”? It’s about “navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can.” Sometimes that means squeezing that last ounce of energy out of your body because you know you can reach the top of the mountain. But sometimes it means realizing you can’t make it and turning back, because you can always try again next time. And sometimes it means realizing that climbing this mountain is not something you want to do at all.
In the book, Magness proposes 4 Pillars of Toughness, but I think they really revolve around 2 skills: Self-awareness and detachment. Self-awareness is needed to understand your emotions, which is needed to make appropriate decisions. It is also needed to identify your core values, which influences higher level decisions (that is, deciding what to actually do, rather than deciding how to do what you are currently doing). Detachment helps you respond instead of react. Knowing you are angry is one thing. But being able to detach yourself from the situation and think with a clear mind instead of throwing a tantrum is another.
Magness explains how you can actually develop these skills using anecdotes from his own experience as a running coach, case studies from various other sports, and plenty of academic studies. I found this book to be quite valuable because I, along with most people (I would imagine), want to be tough. Magness shows how certain exercises which seem like chores to me (e.g. labeling emotions, mindfulness meditation) are actually linked to building toughness. In this light Do Hard Things is a call to action, and a very effective one at that.
IRL Update (04/04/2023): Today's my last day in China. I had a good time 😁.